


The Bucket List

by Alyssa_85



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst, Arguing, Arguments, Bucket List, Cancer, Cheating, Comfort, Coping, Death, Fighting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Major Illness, Sad, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-04-14 12:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4564335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alyssa_85/pseuds/Alyssa_85
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil has cancer, and a bucket list to complete before it all becomes to much. Follow the story of Dan, and their friends making Phil's last months on earth the best he's ever had. [Abandoned, if you want to complete it, you're welcome to, just contact me first]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Telling The Truth

**Author's Note:**

> Okay! New story, sad again, I'm sorry (I'm actually not sorry). So, this story is going to skip between Dan, Phil and maybe other peoples POVs. I'm not usually one to write like that, as I don't really like it, but I feel like I need to for this story. I hope you enjoy!

**Phil's POV**

_Cancer_. The word floated around my brain like an annoying song. I lay my head against the pillow, listening out for sounds coming from Dan, who'd got up a few minutes before me. He was clueless. Clueless to the fact I was dying. I ran my hands over my face, groaning quietly.

"What's up, Phil?" Dan asked, walking back into the room.

"Oh, uh, nothing," I lied, sitting up.

He looked at me, his eyebrows furrowed. "You know you can't lie to me. What's wrong? You've been off for a week now, what's going on?"

"Dan, please. Just sit down, and stop worrying. I'm fine."

"I have to worry about you, Philly, you're my boyfriend."

"That may be true, but there's nothing to worry about."

"Stop lying to me, Phil."

"Let's watch a film," I said, holding my arms out signalling for him to cuddle with me. He didn't. He looked at me through narrowed eyes.

"Stop changing the subject, and tell me what the hell is going on with you." He crossed his arms over his chest.

"Nothing, Daniel. Nothing is going on with me," I huffed, dropping my arms.

He flopped down on the bedside me, but not close enough that we were touching. "Are you cheating on me?" He asked in a quiet voice.

"What? No of course not. Why on Earth would you think that?"

"Then tell me what the fuck is going on. I hate you being distant."

"I'm not distant, Dan. I'm right here."

"Physically you're here, but emotionally you're elsewhere. Every time I look at you you're staring off out into the distance with a blank, almost pained, expression on your face."

"Can we just drop this? I'm fine."

"You're so fucking stubborn." Dan pushed himself to his feet. "Come find me when you want to talk about this properly." He yelled, storming out of the room and slamming the door behind him. I threw a pillow at the door after him, screaming in frustration. I knew I had to tell him, I knew he deserved to know that I was dying, but how could I? How could I let my last months with him be filled with sadness? I fell backwards against the mattress, burying my head in the fluffy pillows.

* * *

It had gone twelve by the time I finally decided to get up and attempt to talk to Dan. I pulled the duvet tight around my shoulders, then padded out of the bedroom. I could hear the TV in the front room, so I presumed that was where Dan had been since we'd argued. When I got there, Dan's head turned to me.

"You're up," he stated, grinning at me slightly.

"I can go back to the room if you'd prefer?"

"No. What I'd prefer is you tell me what's-"

"Dan, if you're just going to start that again, I will go. I don't want to fight."

"If you'd let me finish, you'd hear what I have to say."

"Shoot."

"What I'd prefer is that you tell me what's going on, but, I get that you don't want to talk about it. So instead, I want to cuddle on the sofa and watch films with you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. But, can I ask one thing?"

"Sure."

"What's with the duvet? It's like a hundred degrees in here."

Despite the fact it was summer, I was still unusually cold. The doctors said that'd happen. I blinked slowly at Dan, my bottom lip between my teeth. "I'm just cold. Must've caught something in town yesterday, it's no big deal."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Dan." I sat down beside him, pulling the covers even tighter, and resting my head on his shoulders. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

"Yeah, all the time."

"I'm sorry, I just love you."

"I love you too, spoon." Dan turned to look at me. "Uh, Phil, you're bleeding."

"What?"

"Your nose. It's bleeding. How can you not feel that?"

My hand shot up to clutch at my nose. "Shit," I muttered. "I'll- uh- me back in a minute." I jumped up from the sofa, and ran as fast as I could to the bathroom. I shut and locked the door behind me.

"Phil? What's going on? Are you okay?"

"I'm- I'm fine," I called back in between the sobs that were wracking through my body as I slumped against the bathroom door. "Just go put a film on, I'll be there in a second."

"Please let me in?"

"And maybe order a pizza or something. I promise I'm fine."

"I don't believe you."

"Dan can you please just do as I ask?"

I heard a loud sigh, then retreating feet. More sobs erupted from my parted lips as I held tissue tightly against my bloody nose.

* * *

**Dan's POV**

An hour passed before Phil finally emerged from the bathroom. The second I heard the door unlock I was on my feet and running towards him. His eyes were red, his face blotchy, and he was shaking a lot. I wrapped my arms around him, resting my chin on his head. Phil gripped at the front of my shirt, leaving wet marks where his tears were hitting.

"I'm so sorry, Dan," he choked out, his fingers digging into my shirt harder.

"What for?"

"I'm just sorry."

"I don't know what I'm forgiving you for, but, I forgive you, Philly. Shall we settle down on the sofa and watch a film now?" Phil nodded his head weakly against my chest. I knew there was something he clearly wasn't telling me, but I didn't want to push him, well, I did, but it wouldn't be fair on him.

I led the ebony-haired man to the front room, where we curled up together, his head in my lap and his body engulfed in his thick duvet. Every now and then I'd look down at him, his eyelids fluttered shut, and shot back open every few seconds. I chuckled lightly.

"What?" He asked, looking up at me with his big eyes.

"Go to sleep, Philly. You look tired." I was basing that on the dark circles under his eyes.

"You calling me ugly?"

"You're gorgeous, Phil. Just go to sleep, okay?"

"Will you still be here when I wake up?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I dunno. Wake me for dinner?"

"Of course."

* * *

I shook Phil awake by his shoulder, making sure not to scare him. "Philly, dinner's here," I whispered.

Phil rubbed at his eyes. "What is it?"

"Pizza."

"Oh, yum," he said, as he lifted his head from my lap. "Have you been sat there all day?"

"Of course I have. I wasn't going to risk waking you up."

Phil bit his bottom lip. "Thanks. Want me to get the pizza?"

"Absolutely not. I'll get it. You just sit here, and pick something to watch."

"Anything?"

"Anything."

"I'll be back in a second."

"Take your time." I kissed his cheek lightly before standing up to get the pizza from the delivery person.

When I walked back into the living room, pizza in hand, Phil was no where to be seen "Phil?" I called. I got no reply, so I placed the box box down on the table then walked through to our room. I knocked hesitantly on the door. "You in here, Phil?"

"Yeah, I'll just be a sec."

"Why's the door shut? Can I come in?"

"No! Stay out! Just-uh - wait in the front room, I'll be out in a minute."

I furrowed my eyebrows. He sounded almost panicked. I leant against the wall, feeling guilty that I wasn't doing as he asked me too. A couple of minute later, the door opened revealing a blotchy Phil, with a shirt in hand.

"You got changed? What's wrong with that shirt?"

"I spilt something down it, it was too sticky to stay in it."

"What were you doing in there? You never close the door, and you most certainly never tell me to stay out when you're changing."

"I just wanted privacy, why the fucking second degree?"

I held my hands up at him. "No second degree, I was just asking. You have every right to privacy, Phil, you know that."

"Then stop asking me all these God damn questions!"

"Calm down, Phil. I'm sorry, okay? I won't ask anything else."

Phil's head dropped, his eyes on the ground. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't of snapped at you. I'm just stressed. Pizza and films?"

I wanted to ask what he was stressed about. I wanted to know what was causing him the evident pain, but I didn't. I didn't because I didn't want to argue. "Let's go and watch that film. What did you pick?"

Phil grinned up at me. "Spirited Away."

"I'm so glad I found you," I said, grinning back at my boyfriend.

"I'm glad you found me too," he replied, I couldn't help but hear a slight sadness behind the words. As if the words he'd uttered weren't entirely true. I wrapped my arm around his shoulders, then led him back into the living room where we curled up together on the sofa whilst eating pizza and watching one of our favourite films.

* * *

** Phil's POV **

"Tired, Bear?" I asked, glancing at Dan.

"Just slightly."

"Want to go to bed? I could use an early night."

"Are you sure? We can stay up a little longer."

"I'm sure. Despite my nap, I'm still fairly tired. Let's go to bed."

"Okay." I pulled Dan up from the sofa with me, then we headed to our room. I watched Dan as he pulled his shirt over his head, and undid his belt. "Are you just going to watch me, or are you going to get ready for bed too?" He asked, grinning at me.

My eyes widened, my bottom lip between my teeth. "I need to use the bathroom, I'll get changed in there."

"Changed?"

"Yeah, it's too cold to sleep in just underwear."

"Just get changed in here then? It's not like I haven't seen everything you've got to offer," he said, smirking at me. I could feel the blood run to my cheeks.

I rummaged through my drawers and pulled out a top and pyjamas. "I need the bathroom anyway, it's just easier."

Dan raised his eyebrows at me. "Okay, whatever floats your boat. Just hurry back, I can't sleep without you curled up next to me."

I wanted to cry there and then knowing that in a few months he'd have to. In a few months I would be gone, and there'd be nothing he, or I, could do about it. Well, unless the Chemo actually worked, but I wasn't sure I wanted that. I wasn't sure I wanted to be put through months of pain, other than the obvious, for something that might not actually make everything okay.

"Phil?"

"Uh, going. I'll be quick."

* * *

When I walked back into the room, Dan was lying on top of the covers on his phone. He looked up at me as I entered. "Looking good, Lester. I mean, you'd look better without the shirt, but hey ho."

"I'm not taking it off, Dan." I wrapped my arms around my body.

Dan pouted his lips. "Boo. Come to bed, Philly." He climbed under the covers, lifting my side up. I climbed in beside him, instantly cuddling into him.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

** Dan's POV **

I woke to Phil thrashing around, sweat covered his face and shirt. I shook his shoulder. "Philly, wake up," I said quietly, hoping to wake him up in the nicest way possible. His eyes shot open, and his breathing became heavy. I nuzzled my head into his shoulder, his hot skin felt like it was burning my face. "You're boiling."

"I'm fine," he croaked, wiping his hand against his forehead. "Although, perhaps I should get changed."

"You're too hot for clothes."

"This is no time for flirting, Daniel, I'm too tired."

"I wasn't flirting. I meant literally. You're literally too hot for clothes."

"I'm fine."

I sighed loudly, running my hands over my face. "Take your shirt off at least, cool you down a bit."

"Maybe I should sleep in your room. I don't want you to get sick as well."

"Screw me getting sick, I just want to know you're okay."

"I'm going to sleep in your room, Dan. I'll see you in the morning." Phil pushed himself out of the bed.

"Can I get you anything before you go?"

"I'm alright. I love you."

"I love you too." I watched Phil pad out of the room, closing the door behind him. I sighed loudly, knowing without Phil is was going to be difficult to get back to sleep. I kicked the duvet off me, leaving my legs exposed.

* * *

I woke the next morning to a heavy feeling on my legs, I sat up slowly, blinking in the light. Phil was sitting on my legs, smiling at me.

"Morning, Philly," I croaked, my voice thick with sleep.

"Morning, sleepy head."

"Shut up, I couldn't sleep. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Better, I guess," he replied, crawling off of my legs and coming to sit beside me.

I rested my head lightly on his shoulder. "I missed you last night."

"I missed you too. Sleeping alone doesn't feel right."

"No. It definitely doesn't. Sleep with me tonight?"

"Wouldn't dream of not. Breakfast?"

"Oh yeah, I'm starving."

* * *

**Phil's POV**

I looked at myself in the mirror, my fingers tracing over the bruises on my pale skin. They were ugly. I hadn't even hit myself that hard, it was just a tap yet here were dark bruises that made it look like I'd been punched hard in the stomach.

"Phi- What the fuck happened?" My head shot towards Dan as I pulled my shirt down to cover them.

"Nothing!"

"Bullshit." He pulled my shirt up, exposing the skin. "Did you get into a fight or something?"

"No. Get off of me. Nothing happened."

"Phil fucking talk to me! What happened to you?"

I yanked myself away from him, almost knocking the mirror over in the process. "There's nothing to talk about. Nothing happened to me, I'm fine."

"Stop lying to me!" Dan shouted, I flinched slightly. I understood his anger. I'd be exactly the same if the roles were reversed.

"I'm not lying to you!"

"For fucksake, Phil! I've been putting up with your bullshit excuses, but enough's enough. Tell me what the fuck is going on with you."

I pushed past Dan and walked to the front room, Dan hot on my trail.

"Philip Michael Lester, stop walking away right fucking now!"

I clenched my eyes shut, trying my damnedest not to cry, my fists clenched tightly at my sides. "Just leave it!"

"No. I won't just leave it, either tell me what's going on, or I'm leaving."

Tears escaped my closed eyes. "Please, Dan," I whimpered, my voice low.

"I'm sick of this. I'm out."

I turned on my heel as Dan was walking out. "I have Cancer!" I yelled after him, breaking down in tears. Dan stopped, I could see him through blurry eyes just standing there.

* * *

**Dan's POV**

"I have Cancer!" I stopped dead in my tracks. He had what? How the fuck could this be happening? To Phil? No. I turned around to face him. He was sat on the floor, his head resting on his knees.

"Please say you're joking?"

He shook his head. "I wish I was," he said his voice shaky from crying.

"How long have you known?" I asked, tears falling down my cheeks.

"About a week."

"About a week? About a fucking week? Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I wanted our last few months together to be perfect, I didn't want to make you sad."

"What were you planning to do? Go out one day and just never come home? Tell me after it was too late? What the fuck were you thinking Phil? You should of told me the minute you found out!" I shouted, rubbing my eyes.

"I know! I fucking know! I was just scared. I was scared you would leave and make me go through this alone."

"You think that little of me?" I asked, hurt more than ever.

"No. Of course not. It was an irrational fear. I know better than that, I really do."

"How long?"

Phil looked up at me, his blue eyes tear-filled. "How long?"

"Yeah. How long have you got?"

"Around five months."

"Isn't there anything you can do?"

"There's chemo, but the chance of me actually surviving that are slim. It would just be a load of pain for the possibility of nothing happening. I'm not sure I want that."

"Isn't it worth a fucking try? Rather than just dying?"

"I don't know, Dan."

"Just- just come hug me, please?"

Phil pushed himself to his feet, and ran at me, wrapping his arms around me. I rested my head on his, as he sobbed into my chest, causing the fabric of my shirt to stick to my skin. Eventually he pulled away, and looked to the ground.

"Do you hate me? You know, for not telling you?"

I lifted his head with my fingers, making him look at me. "I love you, Phil. I really do." I pulled him into my chest, holding him close to me. I could feel his body shaking in my arms. "We'll get through this like we do everything."

"Together?" He mumbled into my chest.

"Exactly. Together."


	2. Making the List

**Dan's POV**

I walked into the lounge where Phil was sat, his laptop resting on his knees. "Hey, Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"We should do something."

"Like what?" He asked, looking up at me his blue eyes shining.

"I don't know, something you've always wanted to do?"

Phil grinned up at me. "I was thinking of making a bucket list. You know, five months to do all the things I've wanted to do, but not had the chance or the guts."

"Sounds good, what sort of things do you actually want to do?"

"I'll make the list, then get back to you."

"Present it to me at dinner, I have to go out, I'll be back soon, okay?"

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you more." I leant down and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. "Do you want anything while I'm out?"

"No I'm alright, thanks. I'll see you later."

"Bye," I called as I left the apartment, the door closing lightly behind me. I shoved my hands into my pockets as I made the walk down the steps. It had been a week since Phil told me the news, and honestly, I wasn't handling it well. Just the thought of the love of my life not being here in just five months terrified me. Phil had been my rock for six years, I knew I could cope without him, I just didn't want to. I didn't want to have to live in a world without Phil Lester. But I knew I had to. I knew soon enough he wouldn't be here, and I'd have to live with that. I'd have to live in a world without the sunshine that is Phil Lester. And I knew it'd suck.

I pushed the door to our main building open, and walked out into the warm London air.

* * *

** Phil's POV **

I tapped my blunt nails against my laptop, I thought making a list of the things I wanted to do would be easy, I thought everything would just come straight to mind when I put my mind to it, except it's not. Here I am, laptop on my lap and a piece of paper beside me, yet only one thing had come to mind. The obvious. The one I was pretty sure Dan could see coming. I lightly placed my laptop on the coffee table, scrolling through Tumblr.

* * *

"Phil! I'm home!" Dan called. I heard the front door shut.

"In the lounge," I replied.

"Want to help me make dinner?"

"I'd love to." I placed the now finished list on top of my closed laptop, then headed into the kitchen with Dan. He was unpacking food from bags. I wrapped my arms around his waist, leaning my chin on his shoulder.

"Hello to you too, Philly." He turned around in my arms, returning the gesture.

I looked up at his face. "Have you been crying?" I asked, tracing the red, puffiness of his eyes.

"What? No."

"Are you sure? It's not a problem if you have, I get it."

Dan tightened his grip on my waist. "Did you finish the list?"

I chuckled slightly. "Yeah. It took me a while, but I got it done."

"Let's get dinner done and eaten, then you can show me, yeah?"

"Sure."

* * *

"How long is it?" Dan asked, as we settled down onto the couch after dinner.

"It's got eighteen points, but obviously we don't have to do everything on it."

"Of course we will, show me then."

I nervously put the sheet of paper into Dan's outstretched hand. "Please don't make fun of me."

"Why would I make fun of you?" Dan kissed my cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

**Dan's POV**

My eyes scanned the sheet, grinning at some of the points.

_1\. Tell the fans of our relationship (only if you're totally comfortable with it.)_

_2\. Go on our first proper date since early 2012._

_3\. Go to a Karaoke bar (Insane, I know.)_

_4\. Go bungee jumping."_

_5\. Adopt a lion, and an alpaca (not to keep here, obviously)_

_6\. Recreate the day we met (or as well as we can)_

_7\. Watch the sunset, and sunrise at the beach._

_8\. Go dancing._

_9\. Go to a masquerade ball (Lame, I know)_

_10\. Bake a rainbow cake for my channel (sounds stupid, I know)_

_11\. Get married (again, only if it's something you actually want)_

_12\. Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower (cringe)_

_13\. Make a video reacting to the Pinof's (come on, we have to do this)_

_14\. Make a new, and final, Philisnotonfire._

_15\. Throw one final party._

_16\. Say a real goodbye to our friends._

_17\. Say goodbye to our fans._

By the end of the list, I had tears in my eyes. I looked over at Phil, who was sat with his bottom lip between his teeth just staring at me, his blue eyes watery.

"Some of them are so lame." He sighed. "I can get rid of them."

"No. Don't you dare." I put the list on the table, then took Phil's hands in my own. "We will do every single one of them, I can promise you that."

"Even the masquerade ball?"

"Even that. Even though it's totally lame," I joked, pulling Phil closer to me. "I love you, okay? Don't forget that."

"I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shortness of this chapter, they will vary in length throughout.


	3. "Tell the Fans of our Relationship."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I've typed out the video, it's in Italics, and third person, remember that!

**Phil's POV**

"Phil! Come here!"

"Where's here?" I answered, standing from my place on the bed in Dan's room.

"Our room, duh."

"Don't 'duh' me, Howell," I said, walking into our room.

He smirked up at me. "I'll 'duh' you whenever I want, Lester."

"Shut up. What do you want?"

"We're making a video, sort out your hair."

"What's wrong with my hair?" I asked, running my hand over my black locks.

"You've got bed hair."

I playfully glared at my boyfriend, then sorted my hair out in the mirror. "Why are we making a video?"

"Point one, _'Tell the fans of our relationship'_ ," he recited.

"We're doing it?"

"I'm ready if you are."

"Are you sure? We can hold it off."

"Philip. I'm ready. Come on, let's do this."

I sat down beside Dan on the bed, staring straight at the camera.

"Who's channel is this going on?"

"I was thinking mine, as the Phil is not on fire will be on yours."

"Fine by me."

"You ready then?"

I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth. "It's been six years, Dan. Six years we've been lying to them, it's now or never."

"The best six years of my life." Dan looked at me with watery eyes.

"Me too, Dan."

"Let's do this."

Dan switched the camera on, then settled back down beside me. "Hello, Internet," he greeted.

"Hey, guys!" I waved a single hand at the camera, the way I'd always greeted the audience.

"So, Phil and I have some big news."

"I know I said recently that we wouldn't be throwing any more surprises your way, but there's just one last thing we have to tell you guys."

"It's probably one of the most important things we've ever told you."

I grinned at Dan, then looked back at the camera lens. "I know it won't come as a surprise to most of you, I mean, you've been speculating it for years now."

"And you'd all of been right."

Dan intertwined our fingers just our of frame, squeezing lightly. "The thing is," I started, looking away from the camera and at Dan, who was already staring at me with a large smile across his face.

"Phil and I are together," Dan finished, squeezing my hand again. "We have been from the very beginning."

"I would say we're sorry for not telling you guys sooner, but we're not. We're happy with our decision to tell you now."

"We don't want things to change though. We want everything to stay exactly the same as it has always been."

"We want to thank all of you for your utmost support over the years, it's what's given us the courage to make this video." I rested my head on Dan's shoulder, taking a deep breath, fatigue washing over me.

"Phil? Are you okay?"

I nodded my head weakly. "Let's finish the video."

"What else do you want to tell them?"

"How about the day I asked you to be my boyfriend? That was a special day."

"Are you sure you don't want to keep that just between us?"

I bit my bottom lip. "Actually, yeah."

"How about telling them that the 'v-day' video was actually real? They kind of deserve to know that."

"No. Well, yeah we can tell them that, but it's not like they need to know things, Dan. Our lives are ours, they deserve to know what we decide to tell them, remember that."

"Do you want to tell them or not?"

"Yeah, we will. I'll edit this all out later."

"To heck you will."

"Excuse me?"

"As soon as this video is filmed, you're going to bed. I know the side effects of your cancer, Phil, I know you're going to be tired a lot, and this is clearly one of those times. Let's get this video finished."

"How do you know the side effects?"

"I looked it up, you spoon. So I know what to expect."

"I love you," I said, kissing his cheek.

"I love you too."

We both turned back to the camera.

"As you may remember-"

I cut Dan off. "Actually, I don't want to talk about this. It'll just bring loads of attention to that video, and honestly, it's something that I kind of want to keep as between us as we possibly can."

Dan licked his lips. "Okay, fine by me."

"Are you sure?"

"Philly, who was it that wanted that video off the internet more than anything?" He chuckled. My heart clenched at the memory of 2012, when the video blew up and Dan went completely 'anti-phan', causing many arguments between us.

"Yeah, I remember," I muttered.

* * *

 Once the video was finished, Dan leant over and flicked the camera off. "Now, it's bed time for you, Philly."

"I'm not a child."

"No, but you're tired. You need to sleep."

"Fine. As long as you stay with me."

"Where would I rather be?"

"Editing this video?"

"That can wait, you're more important than editing a video."

"Flattered."

"You should be."

* * *

Dan and I settled down under the covers of our bed, my head resting on his bare chest. "What are you going to do once I'm gone?" I mumbled. I felt him momentarily tense underneath me, before continuing to play with my fingers.

"We've got five months till we start thinking about what's going to happen. Let's wait to talk about it all, okay?"

"I know we've got months, but it's an important question."

Dan kissed the top of my head. "Go to sleep, Phil."

I sighed, but relaxed into him anyway.

* * *

**Dan's POV**

"Hey, Phil! Come watch the finished video!" I called. I heard Phil padding down the hallway moments later.

"That was finished quickly," he said, settling down beside me on the bed.

"There wasn't much to change to be honest. Ready?"

"Is it emotional?"

"A little at the end, but honestly, it could of done with being more emotional."

He chuckled. "I'm sure the fans will deal."

"They kind of have no choice."

"Just play the video."

I clicked play, our faces popping up on the screen.

* * *

_"Hello, Internet!"_

_"Hey guys!" Phil waved his signature greeting._

_"So, Philly and I have some big news."_

_"I know I said recently that we wouldn't be throwing any more surprises your way, but there's just one last thing we have to tell you guys," Phil said, smiling so wide that his tongue stuck out the side of his mouth slightly._

_"It's probably one of the most important things we've ever told you."_

_They grinned at each other, then turned back to the camera. "I know it won't come as a surprise to most of you, I mean, you've been speculating it for years now."_

_"And you'd all of been right."_

_"Phil and I are together," Dan finished. "We have been from the very beginning."_

_"I would say we're sorry for not telling you guys sooner, but we're not. We're happy with our decision to tell you now."_

_"We don't want things to change though. We want everything to stay exactly the same as it has always been."_

_"We want to thank all of you for your utmost support over the years, it's what's given us the courage to make this video."_

_Phil's head lay on Dan's shoulder, his lip between his teeth. "We want you all to remember that we're still separate people. AmazingPhil is still AmazingPhil, and danisnotonfire is still danisnotonfire, we're not combining our YouTube channels."_

_"We're our own people," Phil added, lifting his head._

_"So, now you know."_

_"Now you know the secret Dan and I have been keeping from you from the very beginning."_

_"Although, we started off by doing a very bad job of it."_

_Phil laughed. "Yeah, our hiding skills were awful in '09. You were especially terrible."_

_"Hey! What about you Mr. 'I'm just going to tackle you to the floor and make it look innocent'?"_

_"What like this?"_

_Phil tackles Dan to the bed, burying his face into Dan's neck while Dan giggled loudly._

_"Exactly like that," Dan said, sitting up._

_"What about the time I buried my face in your chest as I laughed?"_

_"How could I forget? You know, it really was you that was bad at hiding us."_

_"Um, I don't think that's true, 'Heart Eyes Howell'."_

_"Love eyes Lester," Dan shot back, pulling Phil in for a quick hug._

_"I'm sure the fans don't want to hear this," Phil joked, lightly nudging Dan with his elbow._

_"We both know that's not true. The fans would probably sit through a three hour long video of us talking about our lives together."_

_"That's true." Phil looked directly at the camera. "But that's not happening. I can assure you of that."_

_Dan nodded. "Yeah, this is going to be the only real video we make about our relationship, as we still value the privacy of it."_

_"We just thought it was about time you all knew."_

_Dan grinned at Phil, fondness evident in his eyes. "Well that's it for this video. I'm sorry it's not that long, there wasn't really much that could be said. Look out of a proper danisnotonfire video soon. And again, thank you for supporting us for so long."_

_"We hope you still continue to support us for years from now."_

_"Yeah, it's mean a lot to both of us." Dan's voice cracked._

_"Bye guys!" They said in unison._

* * *

**Phil's POV**

"So is it okay? Need anything cutting?" Dan asked the second the video finished.

"No. It's perfect. I hope the fans don't notice your voice crack though, the amount of questions you'd get."

"I think that'll be the last of their worries, don't you?"

"Yeah. Should we upload it then?"

"Yeah. Shit, I'm scared."

I grabbed Dan's hand. "Me too, but it'll be absolutely fine."

"Can you promise me that?"

"We're going to go through worse, Dan. We're in this together, remember?"

Dan nodded. "I remember."

* * *

**Dan's POV**

I stared at the comments, silent tears running down my face. Every single one was congratulating us. Telling us they were happy for us. Not one person was rude, or homophobic. Phil was asleep on my shoulder, oblivious to the happiness surging through my veins. The fans were happy. The fans accept us. I couldn't of asked for a better reaction. My phone was blowing up with our friends. Cat. Louise. Tyler. All of them, congratulating us for finally getting the courage to tell the world.

Phil stirred under me, his eyes flickering open. "Why are you crying, Bear?"

"They still love us, Philly."

"The fans?"

"Yeah."

"I knew they would."

"I haven't felt so happy in such a long time, Phil. It feels like a huge weight has just been lifted off my chest."

Phil buried his face deeper into my shoulder. "I like seeing you happy."

"Aren't you happy?"

"I'm ecstatic, Dan, just tired."

"I'm proud of us."

"I'm more proud of us than I have ever been. More importantly, I'm proud of you. I wasn't sure you'd ever be ready to tell the world."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

~~_1\. Tell the fans of our relationship (only if you're totally comfortable with it.)_ ~~

_2\. Go on our first proper date since early 2012._

_3\. Go to a Karaoke bar (Insane, I know.)_

_4\. Go bungee jumping."_

_5\. Adopt a lion, and an alpaca (not to keep here, obviously)_

_6\. Recreate the day we met (or as well as we can)_

_7\. Watch the sunset, and sunrise at the beach._

_8\. Go dancing._

_9\. Go to a masquerade ball (Lame, I know)_

_10\. Bake a rainbow cake for my channel (sounds stupid, I know)_

_11\. Get married (again, only if it's something you actually want)_

_12\. Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower (cringe)_

_13\. Make a video reacting to the Pinof's (come on, we have to do this)_

_14\. Make a new, and final, Philisnotonfire._

_15\. Throw one final party._

_16\. Say a real goodbye to our friends._

_17\. Say goodbye to our fans._


	4. "Go to a Masquerade Ball."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter -to me at least- isn't well written, so I'm sorry about that (I have no idea how Masquerade Balls work, but they're super cute so idc)

**Phil's POV**

"I'm home!" Dan called, closing the door behind him.

"I'm in the living room," I replied, muting the TV.

Dan walked into the living room, a mask covering his eyes and a large smile spread across his face. "Do you like it?" He asked, dropping the bags he was holding on the floor and walking over to me. He held his hand out in front of me.

"It's pretty, suits your face," I replied, putting my hand in his and letting him pull me to my feet.

"You've got one too," he whispered, making me shiver.

"Does it match?"

"You bet it does." Dan let go of my hand, went to the bags he'd dropped and pulled a white mask with delicate black swirls covering it out. He then walked back to me. He slid the mask over my eyes, tying the ribbon behind my head. "Perfect."

"You saying not being able to see my face is perfect?"

"No. I'm saying this shade matches your hair, and your skin. It's perfect. Damn, I'm good."

"Are these for what I think they are?"

"What do you think they're for, Philip?" He wrapped his arms loosely around my neck, I followed suit wrapping mine around his waist.

"A masquerade ball?"

He began to sway us to non-existent music. "That's exactly what they're for. Do you like them?"

"I love them, Dan. And, I love you. I can't believe you're actually okay with going to one."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"It's just kinda lame, didn't think it'd be your sort of thing."

"I didn't think it'd be yours."

"It's not really. Up until I was making the list, going to a masquerade ball had never even crossed my mind."

"Then why did it?"

"I dunno. I guess I saw a picture of some masks and thought 'oh hey, that might be fun.'"

"You're such a dork."

"Hey, don't be mean," I said, pouting my bottom lip.

"You're my dork though."

I rested my head on his shoulder, sighing in content. "Damn right I am."

"Are you tired?"

"No, why would you say that?"

"You're putting pretty much all of your weight on me."

"Oh sorry," I replied, standing up straight. "Let's cuddle on the sofa and watch a film?"

"Howls Moving Castle?"

"Sounds good." I flopped down on the sofa, Dan sitting beside me. "So, when is this Masquerade Ball?"

"Tomorrow. It's going to be great. We'll go in separate cars, then see if we can find each other among all the people."

"Sounds terrifying." I grinned at Dan. "Let's do it."

* * *

"You ready?"

"Why are we dressed so casually?" I asked, motioning to my jeans and t-shirt that Dan had set out for me.

"Wait there." Dan walked away, toward 'his' room, returning moments later with a large garment bag.

"What's that?"

"It's your suit. PJ bought it over, so I have no idea what it looks like, same as you have no idea what mine looks like."

"You're just making finding each other more difficult than it has to be," I said, rolling my eyes.

"I'd be able to spot you in a crowd of thousands, Philip."

A blush crept up onto my cheeks. "Shut up, Daniel."

"You'll be arriving with Peej, I'll be arriving with Louise." Dan's sentence was punctuated by a loud car horn. "That'll be PJ. I'll see you soon."

"I can't believe you went through all of this just for some dumb bucket list."

Dan pulled me close to his chest. "This isn't some dumb bucket list, Phil. This is our last wishes, and I'll be damned if we don't do every single one of them to the best efforts."

I chuckled against his shoulder. "I'll see you there then?"

"Yeah, I'll see you there." Dan pulled away. "I love you."

"And I love you." I kissed his lips softly, taking the bag containing my clothing from him.

* * *

** Dan's POV **

"You're looking dapper," Louise said as she walked into the apartment.

"I look okay then? I want to make tonight perfect."

"You look better than okay, Phil is going to be blown away."

I smoothed down the front of my jacket. "I hope so."

"Are you ready to go?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

"Let's get going then."

* * *

** Phil's POV **

I crossed my arms over my chest as PJ fiddled with my hair, muttering under his breath that it needed to 'look perfect'. He stopped when his phone beeped. He furrowed his eyebrows at his phone before breaking out into a contagious grin.

"What?"

"Let's get going."

"Who was that?" I asked, standing up from his sofa.

"No one. But we do need to get going, don't want to be late."

PJ grabbed my arm, and pulled me out of his house. A taxi was already parked by the curb.

"Where are we actually going?"

"I don't know, Dan gave the driver directions, not me."

"Are you staying at the Masquerade Ball with us?"

"Well, not with you, but I will be hanging around. Truth is, this is something I'm really looking forward too."

"Really? Wearing a mask and dancing?"

"Yeah. It's a cool idea."

"Let's see your mask then, Peej."

PJ pulled a small mask from his suit pocket. "I made it myself. Does it look okay?" He puts the mask to his face, the colour contrasting perfectly with his eyes.

"Yeah, it looks great. Want to see mine?"

"Of course."

I slid my own mask over my face, tying the ribbon as neatly as I could.

"Where'd you get that? It looks so professional."

"Dan bought it, I don't really know where from."

"It's so... you."

"Dan has a matching one, but opposite."

"Matching but opposite?"

"Yeah, his is black with white swirls."

"And that's so Dan."

"That it is."

* * *

**Dan's POV**

"Okay, he's here," Louise shouted over the loud music.

"Where?" I asked, clutching two drinks close to my chest.

"I don't know. Go find him, Romeo."

"You calling Phil Juliet?"

"Shut up and go find your man."

"I'm going. I'm going."

I walked across the dance floor, keeping my eyes peeled for my black haired boyfriend, or his mask at least.

* * *

**Phil's POV**

PJ and I split up the minute we arrived, as I had to find Dan on my own. I weaved my way through the large amount of people slow dancing to some classical piece playing loudly through the speakers. I had been searching the crowds for the familiar mask that I knew my boyfriend would be sporting when I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I turned on my heel to be met with a girl just a bit shorter than me with a beautiful black and white gown.

"Phil?" She asked, leaning into me.

"Yeah?"

"It's Louise!"

"No way!" I hugged the girl in front of me. "You look beautiful."

"You don't look so bad yourself."

"Where's Dan?"

"He's around here somewhere, looking for you."

"I should go find him, we'll meet up later yeah?"

"Just like Dan, save a dance for me."

"Of course. See you later."

* * *

** Dan's POV **

After almost half an hour of walking aimlessly through the crowed ballroom, I saw him. His mask making him stand out from everyone else. I made my way towards him, muttering a sorry to the several people I bumped into on my way.

"Philly," I whispered in his ear. He turned around quickly, almost head-butting me in the process.

"Dan!" He exclaimed, throwing his arms around me. "You look amazing."

"So do you."

"I've been looking for you for ages," he said, pulling away and making us sway to the music, his head on my shoulder.

"Like-wise. I thought I'd never find you."

"Have you seen Peej?"

"Not yet, he text me when you guys arrived though. You seen Louise?"

"Yeah, she found me a few minutes ago, made me promise to save her a dance."

I chuckled. "She made me promise too."

"It's so pretty here," Phil observed, looking up at the ceiling. He wasn't wrong either. Everything in the room was beautifully decorated, from the black and white ribbons hanging from the ceiling to the lighting, everything was so professional.

"I picked a great place, didn't I?"

"You sure did. Why didn't we do this sooner?" He asked, sighing heavily.

"It's pretty out there."

Phil was silent for a few minutes, but I didn't mind. I enjoyed the feeling of Phil against me, slowly swaying to the orchestra who had started playing. That was until I heard a choked sob from the man in my arms.

"Phil?"

"I'm sorry," he said, pulling away and wiping his eyes under the mask.

"Want to go get some air?"

He nodded weakly. I took his hand lightly in mine, then pulled him from the room. It was cooler out in the grand lobby of the hotel the ball was being held at. I slipped Phil's mask from his face.

"I'm sorry. I'm ruining the night," he muttered, sitting down on the cold ground.

I sat beside him, wrapping my arm around his shoulder. "You're not ruining anything, Phil. I know this is hard for you."

"It's just, soon I'm not going to be here, Dan."

I put my finger to his lips. "Shoosh. Don't say that."

"It's the only thing going through my head since I found out I was dying. After everything. After I finally found you. After we'd finally got back to being fully happy again, I'm going to die."

I swallowed hard, tears of my own threatening to spill over. "Please stop talking like that."

"But it's true."

I rubbed my eyes hard. "We've got months before we even have to start thinking about what I'm going to do without you, please can we just spend the next few months being happy? I don't want my last memories of you being us crying together like pansies."

Phil laughed, wiping the tears from my cheeks that had spilt. "There's nothing wrong with two fully grown men crying, Daniel."

"I didn't say there was."

"I'm sorry, Bear. I'm so sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." I nuzzled my head into Phil's shoulder. "Let's stay out here for a while before heading back in, yeah?"

"Crap," Phil muttered, pushing my head from his shoulder. "I need to go to the bathroom, now." He stood up, his hands covering his nose.

"Nose bleed?"

"Yeah."

"Fuck, okay, let's go."

I grabbed mine and Phil's masks, then ran to the bathrooms. Phil grabbed a bunch of tissues from a cubicle and pressed them to his nose.

"I hate this."

"Sit up here, let me clean you up," I said, patting the counter tops.

"I'll be way taller than you, you won't be able to reach my nose."

"Just get up there."

Phil hopped up onto the counter between two sinks. He wasn't wrong, I had to go onto tip-toes to actually reach his nose, but it was fine. I dabbed his nose lightly with the already really bloody tissue, whilst his hands rested on my shoulders.

* * *

It took a while to get his nose to stop bleeding, but we managed it. When the blood finally stopped, Phil pulled me into a tight hug. "I love you," he mumbled into my hair. "You're going to be helping me with things like this a lot, you know that right?"

"I'm going to be here helping you through it all, Philly. I can promise you that."

He was crying again, I could feel the tear drops falling into my hair. "Please don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"I love you so much."

"I love you more."

"Impossible." Phil squeezed me tighter, before letting me go. "Let's go back to the party, have a few more dances before we have to leave."

"Sounds good to me."

* * *

**Phil's POV**

I intertwined Dan and I's fingers. "Thank you for tonight."

"You don't need to thank me, Philly."

"I do though. You really went all out for a silly thing, it means a lot."

"Of course I went all out, it was your special night."

"It really was great." I laughed, resting my head against his chest.

"It actually was. I had a blast, but you know what my favourite part of tonight was?"

"What?"

"Seeing you in a Goddamn tux. Fuck."

"You know what mine was?"

"What?"

"Getting you out of your Goddamn tux," I said, smirking.

"Phil! If only the fans knew how little innocence you really have."

"I wouldn't want them too. That's our little secret."

"We've had lots of little secrets over the years, haven't we?"

"Absolutely." I yawned loudly, fatigue suddenly washing over me.

"Let's go to sleep, yeah?"

"Sounds good to me."

I shifted around so Dan's chest was pressed against my back, his arm hung loosely over my waist and his face pressed against my neck.

"Goodnight, Philly."

"'night."

"I love you."

"I love you more."

* * *

~~_1\. Tell the fans of our relationship (only if you're totally comfortable with it.)_ ~~

_2\. Go on our first proper date since early 2012._

_3\. Go to a Karaoke bar (Insane, I know.)_

_4\. Go bungee jumping."_

_5\. Adopt a lion, and an alpaca (not to keep here, obviously)_

_6\. Recreate the day we met (or as well as we can)_

_7\. Watch the sunset, and sunrise at the beach._

_8\. Go dancing._

~~_9\. Go to a masquerade ball (Lame, I know)_ ~~

_10\. Bake a rainbow cake for my channel (sounds stupid, I know)_

_11\. Get married (again, only if it's something you actually want)_

_12\. Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower (cringe)_

_13\. Make a video reacting to the Pinof's (come on, we have to do this)_

_14\. Make a new, and final, Philisnotonfire._

_15\. Throw one final party._

_16\. Say a real goodbye to our friends._

_17\. Say goodbye to our fans._


	5. "Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower." Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written as little as possible about Paris as I could because of the fact I've never been. Also, anyone who likes good music should listen to Marianas Trench. Their music is fantastic.

**Phil's POV**

I woke to Dan shaking my shoulder lightly, whilst whispering my name. I groaned, rolling away from him and pulling the covers high over my face.

"Fine, I'll go all by myself," Dan said, loudly huffing and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Go where?" I asked, my voice thick with sleep.

"To Paris."

It took Dan's words a few seconds to sink in before I shot up from my position, staring at him through wide eyes. "Paris?"

"Yeah. I'm taking you to Paris for a week. Pack your bags we leave in an hour and a half."

"You're not joking?"

"Why would I be joking?" He kissed my forehead. "I'll have breakfast ready in a few minutes, start packing!" Dan jumped up from the bed and headed towards the door.

"Dan, wait!"

"Yeah?" He stood in the doorway, smiling over at me.

"I love you."

"I love you more, now get packing!" With that he left me alone in the room. I flopped backwards against the bed, grabbed a pillow and hugged it tightly to my chest smiling like a lunatic.

* * *

I walked out of our room when the smell of bacon wafted through the open door. Dan was in the kitchen, shaking his hips to a muse song that was playing quietly from his phone. I wrapped my arms around his waist, and rested my chin on his shoulder. "That smells amazing."

"You finished packing?"

"Almost. I just need to find my phone charger."

"I've already packed all chargers and essentials. You just need clothes."

"Aye Aye, Sir."

"Don't talk like that, it's weird. Sit."

"I'm not a dog, Daniel."

"Okay, can you please go ad sit in the front room so we can eat breakfast?"

"Fine."

I removed my arms from Dan's waist, then walked through to the living room, Dan following close behind.

"Want to watch anything in particular?" He asked, sitting beside me.

"How long till we need to leave?"

"About twenty minutes."

"Then no. Let's just talk."

"Okay." Dan smiled at me before taking a bite of his bacon sandwich. "How are you feeling?" He questioned through a mouthful of food.

"Please swallow before talking to me."

Dan swallowed his mouthful. "You didn't answer my question. How are you feeling?"

"I'm really happy, Dan."

"No, I don't mean emotionally. I mean physically, how are you? Tired? Achy? Do you have a headache? Feel si-"

"Dan, Dan!" I shouted, cutting him off. "Calm down, okay? Breathe. I'm okay. I'm feeling good at the moment. Stop worrying so much."

Dan's eyes filled with tears. "It's just... I mean... I don't want to lose you."

"Please don't cry, I can't stand it when you cry." I grabbed Dan's hand with my own. "I'm here right now, isn't that enough?"

"I can't help it. How can I not cry when I know that in just a few measly months I'm going to lose you?"

"Just stop thinking about it. I have to."

"Forget about it? How the fuck do you expect me to do that?" He pulled his hand out from mine. "It's all I fucking think about."

I put my uneaten sandwich on the coffee table, suddenly not hungry any more. "I'm going to grab my suitcase. Want me to get yours too?"

"I'll get it, don't worry. I'll get yours too, stay there."

Dan picked my plate up from the table, then walked out sighing loudly. I chewed the inside of my cheek, staring at the doorway waiting for Dan to return. It was only when I heard loud sobs from somewhere in the apartment did I push myself up from the sofa to find him. I followed the sound of his choked sobs to his room.

"Dan," I said softly, pushing the door open. He was sat at the edge of the bed his head in his hands. "We should probably get going." When he didn't move, I stepped towards him and held my hands out in front of him. "Come on, Dan. We'll miss our flight."

"Do you even want to go?"

"Of course I want to go. Why wouldn't I?"

"You just seem frustrated with me."

I knelt down in front of him. "Dan, look at me."

He lifted his head, his watery eyes meeting mine. I absently wiped tears from his cheeks.

"I love you. I'm not frustrated, I get it. I do. I can't imagine what it's going to be like for you once it happens, I'm not going to pretend I do. But I'm here right now. So please can we make the last few months count?"

Dan licked his lips, the nodded. "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologise."

"Let's get going then."

* * *

"This place is amazing," I breathed, staring out the window at the Eiffel Tower. "It must have cost a fortune." I felt Dan's arms snake around my waist and his chin rest lightly on my shoulder.

"Don't worry about the money, this is all on me."

"No but seriously how much is this place?" I asked, turning my body around to face him.

"Stop asking questions and just enjoy yourself, we're here for you."

"I know but-"

"No buts, Phil. Look at the Eiffel Tower, and enjoy yourself. Don't worry about anything, I have everything sorted."

"I love you."

Dan kissed my nose lightly. "I love you too. Now I'm going to book us a table at the restaurant for tonight, then we're going for a walk, sound good?"

"Sounds perfect."

"Good, I'll be back shortly." He removed his arms from around my waist, then left me alone in the room. I turned back to the window, it really was an amazing room with it's perfect view of the beauty that is the Eiffel Tower.

* * *

**Dan's POV**

"Have you enjoyed your first day in Paris?" I questioned as Phil climbed into bed beside me.

"It's been great. Thank you so much for bringing me here." He snuggled into my side.

"No, thank you."

"What are you thanking me for?"

"Everything." I kissed his lips. "Just thank you."

"You're welcome I guess. I'm really tired, goodnight, Dan."

"Goodnight, Phil. I love you so much."

"I love you more," he whispered as his eyes fluttered closed and his breathing slowed. I pressed my lips lightly to his forehead.

* * *

The next morning I woke to Phil clambering clumsily out of bed. "Crap," he muttered, brushing himself down, his hands covering his nose.

"Philly? Are you okay?"

"It's just a nosebleed," he replied, walking off into the en-suite. I climbed out of the bedding and followed him. He was sat on the side of the bath holding scrunched up tissue to his nose, his eyes bloodshot and watery. "I'm sorry you had to wake up to this, I was planning to get you breakfast in bed but I was woken up by this bloody thing."

"You don't have to apologise for your illness, it's not your fault."

"I know but-"

"Stop saying 'but', Phil. Let's get you cleaned up, then we'll get room service, yeah?"

Phil smiled faintly. "Yeah."

"Come on, give me the tissue." I knelt down in front of him, and took the tissue from him. "It's already stopped bleeding, you're okay."

"Am I though?"

"You're Phil Lester, you're better than okay."

"I'm Phil Lester, I'm dying."

I pushed myself to my feet. "Clean your face up, I'll order us breakfast," I said, then strode out of the bathroom.

A while later, Phil walked back into the room, frowning slightly.

"I'm sorry, I know it hurts when I say things like that," he said, plopping down on the bed beside me. "Sometimes I just can't help it, they just slip out."

"Stop apologising, I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, and I know this is hard for you."

"It's hard for you too though, Dan. You're-" I cut him off by pressing my lips to his. He gripped my shirt tightly in his fists.

"Just this week, Phil. For just this week can we not talk about the future? Can we just remain in the moment? Can we just forget as well as we can that you're ill and have fun?"

Phil wiped a lone tear from his cheek and nodded. "I'd like that."

"Good."

"So, what are we doing today?"

"We're off to the Eiffel Tower today."

"Great, it'll be so cool to see it from up close."

"Not only will we be seeing it up close, we'll be going in."

"What?"

"Yep. Obviously we can't climb the stairs, but we'll take the elevator, stop at all the levels. Sound good?"

"Sounds amazing. I honestly can't think of a better way to spend our day."

"Me neither. We'll go as soon as we've eaten breakfast, I want to be able to get everything done before it."

"Before what?"

"You'll see."

* * *

**Phil's POV**

"Are you ready yet?" I called, adjusting the tie Dan had set out for me in the mirror.

"Almost!"

"Why do we have to wear suits? We're going to look ridiculous."

"We just do."

"Great answer," I muttered, sitting in one of the armchairs.

"It'll be worth it," Dan said, the bathroom door unlocking. "Close your eyes for a moment."

"Why?"

"Just do it, please?"

"Fine." I pressed my eyes closed, shoving my hands over them.

"Are they closed?"

"Yeah," I replied, a small smile spread across my face.

I heard the click of the bathroom door opening, then the footsteps of Dan. He stopped just in front of me. "Okay, you can open them now."

I slowly opened my eyes to be met with Dan standing over me, in a suit that matched my own. I stood up so I was face-to-face with him. "You're hair," I said, running my fingers through his natural curls. "You haven't straightened it."

"I know how much you love my natural hair, so I thought 'fuck it, why not?'. Do I look okay?"

"You're stunning, Daniel. Pure perfection. But you don't have to get your hair curly on my behalf, you hate it that way."

"It's not so bad." He shrugged his shoulders.

"Don't lie to me, you hate it."

"Okay, I do, but I want it like this for today."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. Besides, we're running late already, we need to go."

* * *

Dan and I stood on the top floor, looking over the well-lit Paris. It was truly beautiful at night, with all the lights on, and the River Seine all lit up. It couldn't get the smile off my face, not that I wanted to. Dan's hand clung tightly to mine as we looked out into the distance, his thumb occasionally rubbing my own. I don't think I'd ever been so happy in my life.

"We should be getting down soon, I have more things planned for our evening."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, we have a reservation for a restaurant."

"How long have we got?"

Dan looked at the watch he'd put on so we didn't need our phones. "Half an hour. Want to go look into the vision well?"

"If we've only got half an hour, shouldn't we hurry and get off of the Eiffel Tower? We're going to be late as it is."

"The restaurant is on the tower."

"What?"

"Yup, we're eating out at Le Jules Verde tonight."

"Are you serious?"

"Deadly. Come on, or we really will be late." Dan squeezed my hand, before dragging me off to the elevator. "You're going to love this, I bet the view is amazing."

"It probably will be, but it'll have nothing on the view from the top. That was truly a sight that will stay with me forever."

"I didn't notice."

"How could you not? It was amazing."

"I was distracted by someone."

"Who?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Some gorgeous guy, you should see him, damn he's beautiful."

I pulled my hand out of Dan's, and stormed into the now open elevator doors. "What the hell, Dan?"

"You'll see him soon, my God Phil, his pale skin and dark hair were nothing less than perfection."

I rolled my eyes, and smiled at my boyfriend. "You had me worried, you spoon." I slapped his arm playfully.

"How could I look at anyone else when you're beside me?"

"Stop being so sappy, it's gross."

"You love me."

"No I don't." I grinned at him, he was pouting making him look like a sad puppy. "Aw, don't look at me like that, you know I love you."

"Yeah, you better mate."

"Always."

* * *

Dan and I walked out from the Eiffel Tower, our hands swinging back and forth between us.

"Did you have a nice day slash evening?" Dan asked, stopping suddenly.

"It was the most perfect day ever. Only one day in my entire life beats today's experiences."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"Obviously the day we first met. Nothing will ever beat that day. Happiest day of my life."

"Now who's being soppy?" He teased, pulling me into a hug. "It was the happiest day of my life too."

"Oh! I have a present for you," I said, opening the bag that was resting over Dan's shoulder. I handed him the paper bag. "I brought it in the gift shop thing, it's not much but I thought it was cute."

"When did you buy this?"

"You'd gone to the toilet, I wanted to surprise you. Open it."

Dan put his hand into the paper bag and pulled out the gift. "A snow globe?"

"Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful, thank you so much."

"I love you, Daniel Howell."

"I love you too." Dan carefully placed the snow globe into our bag. "I have a present for you too. Close your eyes."

"Again?"

"Again."

"What are you up to?"

"Just do it!"

"Okay. Okay." I put my hands over my eyes.

"Can you see anything?"

"Nope."

"Good. Keep them closed."

I heard some ruffling and a bag drop to the floor. "Dan?"

"Just one seco- Okay, open."

I opened my eyes. Dan was kneeling on the ground, a ring box open in front of him. My eyes widened.

"Dan?"

"Philip Michael Lester, will you do me the honour of being my husband?"

I just stared at him, my eyes watering.

"Phil?"

"No. I'm sorry, I - uh, no." I shook my head, mouthed a sorry then ran before Dan could catch me.


	6. "Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower." Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want t say sorry for this chapter. Like, really sorry. It's awful in more ways than one.

**Dan's POV**

I watched as Phil took off in a run, my heart pounding. I could feel the stares of passing by strangers, who had just witnessed my rejection, on my back. I felt numb, I couldn't move. Phil had just said no. He said no to marrying me.

"Are you okay?" I felt someone's hand on my shoulder.

"I- I- No," I stuttered, trying to keep the tears at bay.

"Do you need me to take you anywhere? Home? A hotel?"

"No, that's okay. Thank you though."

"Are you sure? You look distraught."

"You would be too if your boyfriend just rejected your proposal," I spat, then sighed. "I'm sorry, it's not your fault."

"Hey, I get it. My boyfriend ran out of our wedding. At least yours didn't put you through that humiliation."

For the first time I looked up at the girl standing beside me. "I'm sorry about that, it must've sucked."

"Yeah, just a little." She smiled slightly. "Come on, get up."

"No. Just leave me here, I'm nothing without him."

"Could you get any more tragic?"

"Excuse me?"

"He rejected your proposal, it doesn't mean he doesn't still want to be with you, it just means he's not ready for marriage."

"He's the one that wanted to get married, just obviously not to me."

"You're bumming me out. Call me if you ever want to talk, I'm here for another week." She thrust a piece of paper in front of my face. "See ya round." With that she walked away, leaving me kneeling on the floor alone once again.

* * *

**Phil's POV**

After what seemed like hours of running, I flopped down onto an empty bench panting heavily. I ran my hands over my face, groaning loudly.

"I'm so sorry, Dan," I whispered. "I couldn't do it. Not to you. You deserve better."

"Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness."

I looked up to see a man standing over me, his brown hair slightly covering his chocolate brown eyes. He looked slightly like a younger Dan. It was like looking at the past version of him, the version I almost lost.

"Sorry. I'm not crazy, or maybe I am, who knows?"

"I'm sure you're not crazy."

"Well I just said no to marrying my boyfriend of over six years, so maybe I am."

"Why did you reject him?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay then. Sorry to bother you."

"Wait, don't go."

"Sorry, you just look like you really don't want to talk."

"Do you know places around here?"

"Yeah, I come here every year. Why?"

"Take me to a club?"

"Are you sure?"

"Look, if you don't take me to one I'll just find one on my own, it's not a big deal."

"You just rejected your boyfriend's marriage proposal, do you really think going out and drinking is a good idea?"

"That's exactly why it's a good idea. Now, are you taking me to one or not?"

"I guess. Come on, there's one not far from here."

"Thanks. The name's Michael."

"Damien."

Not only did he look like Dan, his name was also similar.

"It's nice to meet you, Damien."

"And you, Michael."

"So, what brings you to Paris every year?"

"I just like it here. It's very pretty."

"I can't disagree with you there. I was up the Eiffel Tower as all the lights came on, it was like something out of a film."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Did you eat at the restaurant?"

"Yeah, it was delicious. Some of the best meals I've ever had."

"Definitely. I eat there every time I come," he said. "Is this your first time here in Paris?"

"Yeah. Wish I'd come sooner," I replied, sighing quietly.

"You planning on ever coming back?"

I was glad it was dark out so he hadn't seen the way my lip quivered at the question. Of course I wouldn't be coming back, I was dying.

"Definitely," I lied, wringing my hands together. "I will definitely be coming back at some point."

"You should come around Christmas, take a small trip to Disneyland, it's amazing."

"I can imagine."

"Well, we're here. Can I give you my number, call me when you're done here I'll walk you back to your hotel."

"No. Stay. I don't want to be alone."

"You're going into a packed club, I'm sure you're not going to be alone."

"Please? I want you with me."

"Okay, I'll have just one."

"They all say that, next thing you know you're hammered and making out with strangers."

"I can't see that happening for you, Michael."

"Why not? You can't see strangers wanting to make out with me?"

"You've just rejected a marriage proposal, so no." He chuckled, pushing the heavy door open and stepping aside for me.

Inside the music was blaring, I could hardly hear myself think. I linked my arm with Damien's so we didn't lose each other in the crowd. 

"Let's make a bet then. If I manage to get someone to snog me, you give me twenty euros," I suggested as we sat down on some bar stools.

"Alright, deal. But, you can't cry."

"Why would I cry?" I said, leaning close to him.

"For the exact reasons I said earlier, if you cry, you give me thirty. Deal?"

"Deal."

"You have one hour." This time he leaned close to my ear, his breath hot on my neck, causing me to shiver. "One last thing, you can't move off that stool."

* * *

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Damien breathed, his mouth hot against my neck.

"I'm sure, I'm so sure."

We were in his hotel room, arms pinning me to a wall by my own.

"You're so fucking hot, Michael."

"I'm uncomfortable, let's remove some of these restrictions," I said, pulling my arms out of his grip.

"I get to see what's under that shirt? It's my lucky day."

I nipped at his neck as he unbuttoned my shirt and pushed it to the floor.

"I'm so glad I met you," I whispered, running my fingers over his jean-clad crotch.

"Who did this to you?"

"Hurry up, so I can get these clothes off of you," I growled, running my tongue over the marks I'd left across his neck.

"Get off of me for a second." He pushed me lightly away from him. "Who gave you these bruises?"

"Bruises?"

"On your stomach. And arms. Was this him? Is this why you said no?"

I looked down at my stomach. I'd momentarily forgotten. I'd forgotten the dark purple and yellow bruises that littered my skin. I'd forgot why they were there. For the first time since I'd found out my fate, the cancer and it's side affects had slipped my mind. I sat down on the bed, running my hands over my face.

"No. I got into a fight, he'd never lay a finger on me. I just don't love him. Not like I used to," I lied, smiling slightly at Damien. I couldn't get the fact he looked like a younger Dan out of my mind. Maybe that's why I went back with him. "Can we not have sex? I'm tired."

"Whatever you want." He passed me back my shirt. "Are you feeling okay? You look like you're going to throw up."

"Just drank too much. Nothing a good sleep can't fix."

"You have the bed, I'll sleep on the couch." He patted my shoulder.

"No. Sleep with me? I prefer having someone beside me."

"Are you sure?"

I sucked my lip between my teeth. I missed Dan. That's why I was with Damien. "Yeah. I'm just going to use the bathroom, be back in a second."

"Want to borrow something to sleep in?"

"Would that be okay?"

"I wouldn't offer if it wasn't."

"Okay, thanks."

Damien rummaged through his drawers, pulling out some blue and white boxers. "I don't have any actual sleepwear, are these okay?"

I kissed his cheek. "They're fine, thanks. Maybe a shirt too?"

"Oh sure." He handed me a blue t-shirt. "Have my favourite."

"Thank you."

* * *

 I settled into the bed beside Damien. "Thank you for taking my mind off of things."

"Any time. I had fun."

"It can never happen again though."

"Of course not. What happens on holiday stays on holiday, right?"

"And if you see me before one of us leaves, we don't talk, right?"

"Exactly. Like nothing ever happened," Damien said, linking our fingers together.

"Well nothing did happen," I replied, my eyes feeling heavy and my stomach turning.

"It's a shame really."

"Well, I think I could stay up a few minutes more."

"What are you suggesting, Michael?"

"My lips are a bit lonely," I said, batting my eyelids at the Dan look-a-like lying beside me. "I wouldn't reject a snog or two."

"I guess I can comply to that."

"Great."

* * *

 "Wait, stop. Michael, you're bleeding."

"What?"

"Your nose, it's bleeding. Are you okay?" He asked, pushing some tissues, that he'd retrieved from the box beside the bed, to my nose.

"It's nothing. Happens often. Sorry, did any get on you?"

"It's not a big deal."

"I'll go clean up. Do you want a wet towel to clean the blood off of you?"

"Yes, please."

* * *

"Is there something wrong with you?" Damien asked as we settled back into the duvet.

"No, why?"

"Just the little things. The nose bleed, the fatigue that you're clearly trying to ignore, the bruising."

"I'm fine, Dame."

"Oh, nicknames now?" He teased.

"Only for now. Oh by the way, you owe me twenty."

"Whore."

"Only for you."

"You're terrible, Mike."

I wrinkled my nose. "Don't call me that."

"Goodnight, Michael."

"'night, Dame."

* * *

** Dan's POV **

I sat down on a bench, my head in my hands. How could he say no? Getting married was something he'd said he wanted to do before dying, yet he said no. "Fuck!" I screamed, pulling at my hair. "Fuck you, Phil!" I couldn't stop the moment he said no running through my head, haunting me for the past few hours. I also couldn't stop worrying about where he was. Was he hurt? Cheating on me? Did he regret saying no but couldn't find the courage to just come back? Has he had any nosebleeds? What if he's passed out somewhere? I ran my fingers through my hair, sighing heavily.

"Fuck this," I muttered, pushing myself to my feet. "I'll come back in the morning." As I began my walk back to the hotel, the skies opened, rain pouring down in large droplets. "Be safe, Philip," I whispered, shoving my hands into my pockets and walking with my head down.

* * *

**Phil's POV**

I woke up the next morning, my head pounding from the alcohol intake the night before. I rubbed my eyes, taking in the room around me. It took me a few seconds for the previous night to flood back into memory. I'd cheated on Dan. Something I never thought I'd do. I shook the man beside me. "Damien, wake up."

"Huh?" He grumbled, rolling over to face me. "Oh, morning, Michael. Sleep well?"

"Not really. Last night's a bit hazy, did we, you know?"

"Have sex?" He grinned. "No. We kissed a bit, but that's it. There's still this morning though." Damien winked.

"I have to get back to Dan, he's probably worried sick."

"So that's his name?"

"Pardon?"

"You never actually told me the lucky man's name."

"Oh, yeah. Dan."

"What are you going to do?"

I sat up, and made an attempt at flattening my bed hair. "I don't know. Explain everything I guess. He deserves to know."

"What happened to, 'what happens on holiday stays on holiday'?"

"Something you should know, last night I wasn't at all myself. The person you met yesterday, is not Michael. Or maybe it is, I don't know. All I know is Dan deserves to know the horrible person I am. He's too special to me."

"I understand." Damien rubbed my back lightly. "I hope it all works out for you, Michael. And I hope you get better."

"What?"

"I know you have cancer, I get why you didn't say anything, it's why I never brought it up. I didn't want to treat you different."

"I- I don't have cancer," I scoffed, getting out of the bed and collecting my clothes from the floor.

"Leukaemia. I know the symptoms. Bleeding randomly, easily bruising etcetera."

I sighed. "Thanks. You know, for not treating me different. That's all I want, for people to treat me normally."

"I know. Anyway, get dressed and get back to your man. It was great meeting you."

I chuckled slightly. "Yeah, you too."

* * *

I wasn't sure what I was going to say to Dan. I didn't know if I should bother telling him about my night, or just leave it. I knew if I didn't tell him the guilt would eat away at me, but I knew if I did I risked losing him, and I really didn't want that. I fiddled with the tissues I'd stuffed into my pocket in case of an emergency, humming lightly to myself. I couldn't help but wonder where Dan would be, would he be waiting for me back at the hotel, or would he be out for breakfast? My question was answered when I saw him standing in front of the Eiffel Tower, scuffing his feet against the floor, staring at the ground.

"Dan!" I shouted, picking up the pace. His head shot towards me, a small frown spreading across his face. He wasn't happy to see me. I came to a stop, my hands in my pockets. He stood staring at me, his eyebrows furrowed and a frown. I began to walk toward him slowly, making sure to check his face for signs of anger. There weren't any, he just looked sad.

"You're okay," he said as I stopped in front of him.

"I'm sorry," I blurted. "I can explain everything."

"You don't have to explain anything, I'm just glad you're okay."

"I'm fine. How are you though? I really should explain."

"Let's just kiss and make up for now yeah?"

My eyes flickered to the floor then back at Dan. "Sounds perfect." I wrapped my arms around Dan's neck, whilst his snaked around my waist and our lips met in a long passionate kiss. When we parted, I rested my forehead against his. "Can I explain now?"

"You look tired though, want to go back to the hotel to sleep? Then you can explain if you still want to."

I licked my lips. "You look like you need it a lot more than I do." I attempted to joke with him, but all that seemed to do was make him angry, it was like something had snapped inside him. One minute he was happy as a clam, the next he was fuming.

"Well of course I need fucking sleep, I've been awake all fucking night worrying about you," he yelled, his fists clenched at his sides.

"Dan, calm down, we're in public. Let's go back to the hotel and talk about this."

"Whatever."

* * *

**Dan's POV**

I followed Phil into the room, slamming the door behind me. "Alright, where the fuck have you been all night? I've been worried sick."

Phil bit the inside of his cheek, wringing his hands together in front of him. "At a club."

"All night? That explains the stench of alcohol on you."

Phil's eyes shifted around the room. "Yeah. All night."

"Stop fucking lying to me!"

"I'm not," he said quietly, sitting down on one of the chairs. "I'm not lying to you, Dan. I was at a club all night."

I kicked my foot against one of the legs on the bed, the pain subsided by my anger.

"Dan, please? Can't you tell I'm telling the truth?"

"No because you're fucking not! Were you screwing someone? Is that why you won't tell me where you were?"

"No! You know me better than that."

"Do I? Because last time I looked the Phil I knew wouldn't run away from me and then leave me in the dark all fucking night." I sighed, collapsing down onto the bed in defeat. "He also wouldn't of said no to marrying me. So maybe I don't know you at all."

"There was a reason."

"For what?"

"Saying no."

"What's that then?"

"I don't want to leave you alone."

I fought back tears. "That's going to happen whether we get married or not."

"I know, but if I leave you just as us now, you won't have a dead husband. You can get married just once, like you've always talked about."

"You're being selfish."

"That's what Damien said," he muttered, dropping his head back against the chair.

I turned to Phil, glaring. "Who the fuck is Damien?" I growled, getting to my feet.

Phil's face went red, and he hid it in his hands. "No one," he mumbled, barely audible.

"Phil fucking look at me."

He shook his head. "I can't. I'm too ashamed."

My mouth quivered. "I knew it."

"I'm so sorry, Dan. It meant nothing." Phil was on his feet now, trying to wrap his arms around me.

"Don't touch me. Don't you dare fucking touch me."

"I was drunk and sad, I didn't sleep with him I swear."

"Stop lying, Phil. Stop lying to me, please," I chocked out, my back to him.

"I'm not. We kissed, we didn't go any further. He saw my bruises, then I asked not to have sex. You can thank the cancer for that."

"I'm not thanking your fucking cancer for anything. If it wasn't for that horrible illness, we wouldn't even be in Paris. We'd still be home. You'd still be faithful."

"I am faithful, Dan. It was one slip up because I was confused, and sad."

"You were sad? You were sad?! I proposed to you! You said no then ran off, not contacting me once to let me know you were okay. And you think you have the audacity to say you were sad? Fuck you."

Phil breathed heavily, sitting back down. "I know no amount of sorry's will make this okay, I know you can probably never forgive me, but please, don't hate me. Not now."

"I'm going out."

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know. I'll be back later." I leant down and pressed a kiss to Phil's head. "We'll talk about this when I've calmed down. I love you, Phil. I just- I just need some space."

"I love you too, Dan."

"Do you?" I asked myself as I shut the hotel room door lightly behind me. That's when the tears finally started streaming. I sat down outside the door, my head resting on my knees, the tears wetting my jeans.

* * *

**Phil's POV**

I could hear Dan's sobs on the the other side of the door. I sat down against the door, tears of my own running down my face. "I'm sorry," I whispered, rubbing my eyes. "I'm so sorry."

* * *

_~~1\. Tell the fans of our relationship (only if you're totally comfortable with it.)~~ _

_2\. Go on our first proper date since early 2012._

_3\. Go to a Karaoke bar (Insane, I know.)_

_4\. Go bungee jumping."_

_5\. Adopt a lion, and an alpaca (not to keep here, obviously)_

_6\. Recreate the day we met (or as well as we can)_

_7\. Watch the sunset, and sunrise at the beach._

_8\. Go dancing._

_~~9\. Go to a masquerade ball (Lame, I know)~~ _

_10\. Bake a rainbow cake for my channel (sounds stupid, I know)_

_11\. Get married (again, only if it's something you actually want)_

_~~12\. Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower (cringe)~~ _

_13\. Make a video reacting to the Pinof's (come on, we have to do this)_

_14\. Make a new, and final, Philisnotonfire._

_15\. Throw one final party._

_16\. Say a real goodbye to our friends._

_17\. Say goodbye to our fans._


	7. "Bake A Rainbow Cake."

**Phil's POV**

A week had passed since we'd got home from Paris, and Dan still hadn't spoke to me. We'd been sleeping in separate beds and he'd been spending more time in his room than usual. I didn't blame him obviously, I'd hurt him. I got that. I would't blame him if he never forgave me, but that didn't make the silence hurt any less.

I stretched my arms behind my head, sighing loudly. I pushed my laptop to the side, and stood up, then made my way towards Dan's room. I knocked lightly on the door. "Dan? You awake?" He grunted in response. "Can I come in?" Another grunt, so I pushed the door open. Dan was sat on his bed, in just pyjama bottoms and his laptop resting on his laptop.

"Do you want some lunch? I'll make anything you want." He didn't even look at me. I bit the inside of my cheek. "I'll make you something, okay?"

"Can you just go away? Your presence bugs me."

"How long is this going to go on for, Dan?"

"Fuck off."

"Stop it. I can't be doing this again. I'm going to stay with PJ for a while, call me when you're ready to talk to me like an adult."

"If you were an adult, you would of been mature enough to not cheat on me. You're nothing but a selfish child," Dan snarled, pushing his laptop onto his bed and standing up. "You hurt me. More than I ever thought possible, you may be dying but that doesn't give you the right to be a dick, or cheat. You don't get to get away with shit because you're ill. It doesn't work like that."

"I didn't say it did. I made a mistake. An awful one, but it was still just a mistake."

"You can't play the hurt card on me, Phil. This isn't fair."

"I wasn't playing any cards, Dan. I just want you to look at me again. I want you to talk to me again. I just want you."

"What did he look like?"

"What?"

"Damien. What did Damien look like?"

"Why does that matter?" I asked, pulling my bottom lip into my mouth.

"Was he better looking than me? More attractive? Pleasing to the eye?" Dan was approaching me, a glint in his eye. I backed up.

"No! No one's better looking than you," I said, bumping into the wall. Dan was right in front of me now, our noses brushing lightly.

"Then tell me what he looked like. Did you get a picture?" I could feel his breath on my face, causing me to shudder.

"He- He had longish brown hair, brown eyes, tan skin."

Dan squinted his eyes, looking as if he was deep in thought. "You mean, like 2009 me? You fucked someone that looked like a younger me? That's sick."

I rolled my eyes. "I didn't fuck him, and no, more like 2012 you."

Dan punched the wall beside my head, making my eyes go wide and my heart race faster than I thought possible. Dan turned on his heel and walked towards his bed. "Get out. Go stay with PJ, I don't care any more."

"Dan..."

"Go."

"I love you."

"Uh huh."

I dropped my shoulders, then walked out of the room and towards my own.

* * *

**Dan's POV**

I kept my back to the door as Phil walked out silently, closing the door lightly behind him. When I heard his bedroom door close, I let the tears I'd been holding in flow down my cheeks. I sat back down on my bed, my head in my hands. I wanted to forgive him, I really did, but something was stopping me. Something was making forgiving him hard. I could hear Phil in his room, pulling things from coat hangers and shoving them into a bag or a suitcase. It was only when I heard him cursing about not being able to zip the bag up did I realise how badly I didn't want him to go.

I jumped to my feet and walked to his room. I quietly opened Phil's door, his back was to me. I walked right up behind him and tapped his shoulder, he turned around. His eyes were bloodshot, and he had tear stains down his face. I can imagine I looked pretty similar. Phil just stared at me, his blue eyes filled with tears. I wrapped my arms around his torso, pulling him as close to me as he could get.

"Don't leave me," I murmured into his shoulder. Phil's arms wrapped around my body.

"I thought that was what you wanted?"

"No. I could never want that." I pulled away from him, and held him at arms length. "It's going to take some time, but I want to work on making us okay again."

"Really?"

"Really. We're in this together, right?"

Phil smiled. "Yeah. Together. I like that."

"Me too." I kissed his cheek. "We should do something on your list. We still have a lot to get through."

"How about the rainbow cake one? That should be fun."

"We'd need to go and get some ingredients. Fancy a shopping trip?"

"With you? Definitely."

"Good. Give me half an hour, then we can head out."

"Alright. And, Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

I smiled. "I love you too."

* * *

**Phil's POV**

"Okay, you ready to go?"

"Yeah."

"Let's go then."

"Are you wrapped up warm enough?" Dan asked, pulling his coat on.

I bopped his nose lightly. "Yes, Daniel."

"Okay, let's go."

Dan intertwined our fingers together as we walked out of our block of apartments.

* * *

"This is nice," I said, leaning in closer to Dan to block out the cold that was seeping through my thick clothing.

"It's been too long since we just went out together."

"Yeah, definitely." Dan kissed my forehead. "I haven't asked, how are you feeling today?"

"Better than usual."

"That's good. Have you been bad over the past week? I feel awful for ignoring you."

"Not at all, really. No nosebleeds." I squeezed Dan lightly. "And you don't need to apologise, you had every right."

"I know but-"

I cut him off. "No buts, Daniel. We're not talking about this any more, don't bring this up again, okay?"

"Yeah, alright. I won't bring it up again."

"Good."

* * *

Dan and I walked through the shop, filling our basket with everything we needed. Once we'd collected all the ingredients, we paid then went to leave.

"Hey, look it's Dan and Phil!" I heard some girl scream. I groaned.

"It's okay, we'll just take a few pictures then we can head home," Dan whispered, then turned to the girls and plastered a dazzling smile across his face. "Hello ladies," Dan said.

"I can't believe you're real!" One of the girls squealed. "Can we have a picture?"

"Of course." I smiled. "Shall we go outside so we don't get in the way of the shoppers?"

"Yes!"

I walked behind the girls, frowning. It wasn't that I didn't love meeting fans, I truly did, but I was tired. I just wanted to go home and curl up on the sofa for a few hours before baking the cake.

"Can we have a picture each, then a group shot?" A brunette guy asked, her cheeks flushing.

"Sure thing," Dan said.

By the time the pictures were done, I was dizzy and incredibly tired.

"Phil, are you okay?" A girl who'd introduced herself as Gemma questioned, her eyes narrowing.

"I'm fine thank you."

"You don't look it. You should get home and have Dan take care of you. Thank you for taking pictures with us."

I smiled at the group. "It was our pleasure." Dan and I hugged the group once more before we headed off in the direction of our home.

"Oh God, they suspect something's up," I groaned once we were out of earshot of the fans.

"They just think you've got a cold, you don't look too bad yet."

I nudged him with my shoulder. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"You'll always be beautiful to me, Philip."

"You make me blush," I joked.

"I try."

* * *

**Dan's POV**

"When do you want to make this cake?" I asked as he dumped the bags onto the counter.

"A little later, I need a nap."

"Want me to join you?"

"I'm not in the mood, Dan."

I furrowed my eyebrows, then burst into laughter. "That's not what I meant, you spoon. I meant want me to come and snuggle with you until you fall asleep?"

"Oh. Yeah, that sounds nice."

"Come on then." I wrapped his arm around his shoulder and led him to our room. "You going to nap in that?"

"No, I'm going to change, obviously."

"Okay, you get changed, I'll be back in a minute."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to grab my phone from the kitchen," I playfully ruffled his hair. "You can get changed without me."

"I'm not a child, don't do that."

"If you were a child, our relationship would be incredibly weird."

"Shut up. Go and get your phone so I can sleep."

I held my hands up in defence, chuckling. "I'm going. I'm going."

* * *

I wrapped the blanket tightly around Phil and I, he shivered against my back.

"Are you cold?"

"A little. Snuggle tighter."

"If I got closer I'd be inside of you, and not in the dirty way."

"Okay. Okay. I get it." I could feel him chuckle. "Wake me up in a few hours."

"Of course."

* * *

**Phil's POV**

I was woken up by Dan fidgeting and groaning. I leant over to him. His eyes were closed but his eyelids were flickering. Dan's mouth open and closed like a fish between his small whimpers. I shook Dan's arm lightly, and he shot up breathing heavily.

"Are you okay?" I asked, rubbing his arm. "What on earth were you dreaming about?"

Dan's sighed. "Nothing. It was nothing."

"It was something."

"Seriously, it was nothing. Just a silly dream." Dan smiled at me. "Shall we get dressed and make the video now?"

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Yeah, okay."

"I'm going to have a quick shower, so you sort everything out, okay?"

"Sure thing. Take your time."

"I can hear you worrying from here, Philip. It was just a dream, everyone has bad dreams."

"I know. I know." I grin at him. "Okay, go shower, it's getting late."

"Aye, aye captain."

"You're such a dork," I joke, laughing.

"But I'm your dork."

"You absolutely are. Oh and can you do me a favour?"

"Anything for you."

"Can you leave your hair curly?"

Dan groaned. "Why?"

"Because I love it curly." I pouted my lips and looked at Dan with wide-eyes. "Please?"

"Ugh, fine. Just for you."

"Good. Now, go."

* * *

Dan walked into the kitchen half an hour later dressed in his usual black jeans and one of his many black shirts.

"Looking good, Howell," I said, running my hand through his curls.

He batted my hands away. "Stop it, Lester."

"You're too cute." I bopped his nose, and again he batted my hand away.

"Seriously, stop."

"Or what?" I challenged, poking at his chest.

"I'd run if I were you."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

I turned on my heel and bolted across the kitchen, Dan close behind. I got as far as the doorway to the kitchen before Dan's arms were wrapping around my waist and he was hoisting me off the ground.

"Get off!" I yelled, laughing.

"Stop struggling, Philip. I warned you." Dan spun me around a few times.

"I'm going to throw up!"

Dan chuckled, and set me back on the ground. "Not too dizzy are you?" He asked.

I turned to face him, smiling happily at him. "Not at all." I kissed his cheek. "I think that's the first time you've treated me like Phil your boyfriend, and not Phil with cancer," I said, quietly. Dan's smile dropped.

"I'm sorry."

I wrapped my arms around him. "You don't have to be sorry."

"I didn't realise I'd been treating you differently. I'm trying so hard to treat you the same."

"You're doing great, Dan. I can promise you that. No one's expecting you to be perfect." I squeezed him as tight as I could. "C'mon, let's make the cake."

"You mean let's fail at a cake," he said, letting me go.

"Don't tempt fate, Daniel. It'll be brilliant, trust me."

"I'll take your word for it."

* * *

Dan and I flopped back onto the sofa, flour and other ingredients covering our clothes. Dan's head rested on my shoulder, his fingers playing with mine. "I can't believe it was actually a sort of success."

"I can't believe we got the green to work," I said, leaning my head against Dan's.

"I know! It's an honest miracle."

"Definitely."

"I can't believe you spent most of the baking time throwing flour at me."

"Can't you?"

"Okay, I can, but still."

Dan ruffled my almost white hair. "You should dye your hair this colour, it looks good."

"Yeah, I'm sure it does."

* * *

~~_1\. Tell the fans of our relationship (only if you're totally comfortable with it.)_ ~~

_2\. Go on our first proper date since early 2012._

_3\. Go to a Karaoke bar (Insane, I know.)_

_4\. Go bungee jumping._

_5\. Adopt a lion, and an alpaca (not to keep here, obviously)_

_6\. Recreate the day we met (or as well as we can)_

_7\. Watch the sunset, and sunrise at the beach._

_8\. Go dancing._

~~_9\. Go to a masquerade ball (Lame, I know)_ ~~

~~_10\. Bake a rainbow cake for my channel (sounds stupid, I know)_ ~~

_11\. Get married (again, only if it's something you actually want)_

~~_12\. Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower (cringe)_ ~~

_13\. Make a video reacting to the Pinof's (come on, we have to do this)_

_14\. Make a new, and final, Philisnotonfire._

_15\. Throw one final party._

_16\. Say a real goodbye to our friends._

_17\. Say goodbye to our fans._


	8. "Go dancing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I genuinely hate this chapter. I'm very sorry for the terribleness of it. Sorry I didn't go into cute, fluffy dancing, I'm not good at writing dancing scenes. 
> 
> I tried so hard to change this and make it better but it seemed no matter what I did it came out terribly, so I'm sorry for that. and sorry for the incredibly long wait.

**Dan's POV**

I was woken from my early evening nap by Phil prodding me in the side. "Dan! Wake up," he whined. I cracked my eyes open to see him kneeling on the bed beside me, his big blue eyes wide and particularly puppy like.

"What's up?" I asked, sitting up.

"Let's do something."

"What do you want to do?"

"I was thinking we could get all dressed up and go dancing!"

"Dancing?"

"Yeah, like the masquerade ball except no masks, more dancing and less tears."

"Less tears?"

"Well there was a lot of crying at the masquerade ball."

"That's true. So, you want to go dancing?"

"Yeah! Besides, it's one less point on my bucket list."

"I didn't even realise dancing was on your bucket list." I rubbed at my eyes sleepily. "Anyway, when did you start enjoying dancing?"

"It's romantic, isn't it? I like doing romantic things with you."

I chuckled. "Okay. Let's go dancing."

"I've hung your suit up in the wardrobe, have a shower, do your hair, get dressed then meet me in the living room." He kissed my cheek. "And hurry, we have to leave soon."

"Have any special requests for my hair?"

"Nope, have it however you want. Now, go."

I chuckled lightly, pushing myself from the bed. "I'm going. I'm going."

* * *

"You all done?" Phil asked as I walked into the lounge.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

Phil stood up and met me in the doorway. He takes my tie from my hands and straightens it out. "You look amazing," he said, kissing my lips softly.

"You don't look so bad yourself, Mr. Lester."

Phil did a little bow. "Why thank you, Mr. Howell. Shall we get going?" He asked, holding his hand out towards me.

"Let's." Phil led me out of the room by the hand. We got out of our apartment, and down the corridor before Phil stopped. "What's wrong?" I questioned, turning to face him.

"Close your eyes."

"What?"

"Close them. I have a surprise for you." I furrowed my eyebrows at him but closed my eyes anyway. Once again Phil began to lead me out of the building. "Okay, open them." Phil said as we came to a stop.

"You didn't."

"I did," Phil said, grinning widely.

"Why? Are we celebrating?"

"We're always celebrating."

"Oh yeah? What are we celebrating?"

"You, us. Everything I guess."

"That's not exactly everything."

"It is to me."

"Stop with the sappiness, you."

Phil chuckled. "Come on, we have a party to get to."

"A party? I thought we were going dancing?"

"Well we are, but it's like a party."

"Let's go then."

Phil and I climbed into the limousine that was parked in front of our building. As the car started to drive, Phil pulled out two champagne flutes and a bottle of expensive looking champagne. "Want a drink?" He asked, waving the bottle.

"I don't think you're supposed to drink are you?"

"No cancer talk," Phil snapped. "It's fake."

"What?"

"It's not alcoholic."

"Really?"

"Nope. I'm not sure about not drinking because of my cancer, but I don't want to drink. I want to remember everything tonight."

"What happened to no cancer talk?"

"From now on, no cancer talk, okay?"

"Fine by me."

* * *

We parked outside the venue after a long journey. "We're here," I said, shaking Phil's shoulder.

"Are we even still in London?" Phil asked, yawning.

"Yeah, you would know, you did arrange this."

"How long have we bee driving?"

"I asked the driver to just keep driving, I didn't want to wake you."

"You should have, now we've missed valuable dancing time."

"We'll live, Philly. Come on, I'm actually excited for this."

The doors to the limo opened and Phil and I climbed out. "Thank you, Bert."

"Would you like me to stay, sir?" The driver asked, standing by his own door.

"You can go get yourself something to eat," Phil replied, handing the man some money. "It's a tip for the extra journey."

"Thank you, sir. When would you like me back?"

"I'll call you."

"Okay, Mr. Lester."

The driver, Bert, climbed back into the drivers seat and took off down the road.

"Let's go dancing!" Phil exclaimed, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the large building in front of us. As we stepped through the doors, the sound of some classical music piece filled my ears. Phil gave our names to the lady at the front desk, then we walked through the brown double doors. The dance floor was filled with couples slow-dancing.

"Well, this is nice."

Phil stuck out his bottom lip. "That sounded sarcastic."

"It wasn't, it really is nice."

* * *

**Phil's POV**

Dan and I danced until our feet were sore and my head had begun to throb. We flopped down on one of the many couches littered around the room, laughing and leaning into each other. I leant my head against his shoulder, yawning loudly.

"Want to go home, Philly?"

"One last dance?" I asked.

"Anything for you."

Dan led me back to the dance floor as a new song started. He rested his hands on my waist and pulled me towards his chest. I wrapped my arms loosely around his neck and rested my head back against his shoulder.

"I love you so much, Daniel."

"I love you too, Philip."

Dan and I swayed to the music wrapped up in each other. Honestly, I never wanted the moment to end, but soon enough the song came to a stop and Dan stopped swaying. "Everything okay?" I asked.

"You ready to go home now?"

I took one last look around the ball room. A lot of the couples had departed by now and there was only Dan and I plus some others here and there. "Yeah, let's go."

* * *

**Dan's POV**

Phil was quiet on the journey home, I had put it down to just being tired but as we walked through the door of our apartment, Phil turned to me with a giant smile spread across his face.

"Let's put on some music and dance some more!" He shouted, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the living room.

"Phil, you need to rest for a bit, how about a film instead?" I asked.

"But I want to dance." Phil pouted, looking at me with puppy dog eyes.

"It's been a long day, Phil. You can't be straining yourself, you need to rest."

"Fine, but you need to stop treating me like a child, Dan. It's getting old." Phil flopped back onto the sofa, his arms folded over his chest.

"I'm just trying to look after you."

"I don't need looking after." Phil sounded angry, but his bottom lip quivered and he dropped his head.

I sat down beside him and pulled him into my chest. "You can deny it all you want, but I can see it on your face. You're wearing thin, and I don't want to lose you sooner than I already have too. You can't just pretend that you're okay, because at the end of the day, you're not. You're not okay, Phil. You're dying. You're dying and there's nothing I personally can do about it, but I'll be damned if you think I'm going to let you push yourself too far. You're already going to die early."

Phil pulled out of my grip. "Jesus, Dan. No need to put it so harshly."

"You need a reality check. You can't keep being so lively. You need rest."

"I already said I would, okay? Stop going on at me." Phil pushed himself to his feet, gave me one last glare then stormed away to his room, slamming the door behind him. I sighed, running my hands over my face.

"Damn idiot," I muttered, grabbing a cushion from the sofa beside me. I put the pillow over my face and just screamed. I screamed until my throat was raw and I was breathing heavily.

* * *

**Phil's POV**

I could hear him screaming. It was muffled, so I knew he had a pillow over his face, but that didn't make it any easier to listen to. I laid back on my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.

* * *

I woke up early the next morning, with dry tear drops on my cheeks. Dan was asleep beside me, a pillow cuddled into his chest. I shook him lightly, and he woke kicking his legs out and sitting up fast.

"Dan, it's me."

"Oh. Morning," he said, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

"Morning. What time did you come to bed last night?"

"I'm not sure, I tucked you in though. You looked cold."

I smiled. "Thank you. I'm sorry about last night, Dan. I know you're-" Dan shut me up by wrapping his arms around me.

"Don't. Don't say anything."

I nodded into his shoulder, clinging onto him tightly.

"I love you, Phil. Forever and always."

"I love you too."

* * *

~~_1\. Tell the fans of our relationship (only if you're totally comfortable with it.)_ ~~

_2\. Go on our first proper date since early 2012._

_3\. Go to a Karaoke bar (Insane, I know.)_

_4\. Go bungee jumping._

_5\. Adopt a lion, and an alpaca (not to keep here, obviously)_

_6\. Recreate the day we met (or as well as we can)_

_7\. Watch the sunset, and sunrise at the beach._

~~_8\. Go dancing._ ~~

~~_9\. Go to a masquerade ball (Lame, I know)_ ~~

~~_10\. Bake a rainbow cake for my channel (sounds stupid, I know)_ ~~

_11\. Get married (again, only if it's something you actually want)_

~~_12\. Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower (cringe)_ ~~

_13\. Make a video reacting to the Pinof's (come on, we have to do this)_

_14\. Make a new, and final, Philisnotonfire._

_15\. Throw one final party._

_16\. Say a real goodbye to our friends._

_17\. Say goodbye to our fans._


	9. The Piano and a Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Phil is playing is 'Forget Me Not' by Marianas Trench (you should check them out they're fantastic!) and I have altered the lyrics slightly to fit better.

**Phil's POV**

"Dan, come here!" I called from his room. I was sat at his piano, my fingers brushing so lightly over the keys that no music was really being played.

"What are you doing at the piano?" Dan asked, walking into the room.

"Come and sit down, I want to play something for you."

"I didn't know you could play."

"I learnt this specially. I heard it a while ago and thought it was beautiful. Cheesy as heck I know."

"You learnt a song for me?"

"Yeah. I'll even sing it."

"Oh God, please no."

I scrunched my face up and punched Dan lightly in the arm. "Don't be so mean!"

"Okay. Okay. So what it is you wanted to play?"

"Just listen, okay?"

"Okay."

I took a deep breath, as I readied my hands for the song. "Ready?"

"Ready." Dan leaned his head against my shoulder. "Serenade me, Philly."

My fingers began to move across the keys and I began the song.

" _Sat down at the piano,_

_and played some of your songs,_

_you don't know how the words go,_

_but you sorta sang along,_

_and I'm here to remind you,_

_what's lost is never gone,_

_you will, forget, forget, forget, forget me not,_

_you will, forget, forget, forget, forget me not, forget me not,_

 

_I'm not, ready for what's to come,_

_does that make me,_

_my mother's selfish son,_

_but I wanted you to know,_

_I still need you my friend,_

_from the line to amend,_

_to the cradle again,_

_I'll be your, I'll be your, I'll be your forget, forget me not,_

_I'll be your, I'll be your forget me not,_

 

_If memories are shadows,_

_we best not waste the light,_

_echoes of aphasia,_

_have haunted you tonight,_

_but you will watch me sleeping,_

_and make sure I'm alright,_

_you will, forget, forget, forget, forget me not_

_you will, forget, forget, forget, forget me not, forget me not_

 

 _I'm not ready for what's to come._ " My voice cracked slightly, as the words stumbled out of my mouth. Dan nuzzled his head further into my shoulder, and I could feel a wet patch where his head was. I took another breath and carried on.

_"Does that make me,_

_my mothers selfish son,_

_but I wanted you to know,_

_you will help me my friend,_

_from the line to amend,_

_to the cradle again,_

_I'll be your, I'll be your, I'll be your forget, forget, forget me not_

_I'll be your, I'll be your forget me not_

 

_I know I'm not quite here,_

_but I'm not quite gone,_

_sometimes the night gets darkest before the dawn,_

_maybe life's too short,_

_but the end is long,_

_yeah life's to short,_

_but the end is long,_

_yeah life's too short,_

_but the end is long,_

_life's too short,_

_but the end is so long,_

 

 _I won't leave you my_ _friend_." A sob escaped my throat, and tears dripped down my face. Singing was getting harder by the second.

_"I will ease you back in,_

_to the cradle again,_

_I'll be your, I'll be your, I'll be your forget, forget me not_

_I'll be your, I'll be your,_

_life's too short,_

_but the end is long,_

_life's too short,_

_but the end is so long."_

I sniffed as I removed my hands from the piano. Dan was clinging tightly to my shirt, sobbing.

"Fuck you, Phil," he said, pulling himself together. I wiped at my own tears.

"I'm sorry, I just thought it was a nice song."

"It was, at least what I could understand of it. I mean, you were sobbing pretty hardcore by the end."

"Says you," I joked, though my voice was shaky.

"How long did it take you to learn that?"

"Not long. Turns out I'm a natural."

"Yeah, alright, I'll believe that when you can play something with fast hand movements." Dan grinned, for a second before his face dropped again. "Can you teach me?"

"Oh my God! Is thee Dan Howell, piano prodigy asking a mere beginner like myself to teach him something?" I held my hand to my heart in faux amazement.

"Why yes, I am. Problem?"

"Absolutely not. Come, sit in front of me." Dan sat on the small space between my legs, and put his hands on the piano. "Like this." I  put my hands over Dan's and guided them across the piano for the song. He hummed along quietly, and I sung the song softly in his ear. I was truly a picture perfect moment.

"Thank you." Dan said as the song came to an end.

"Any time."

Dan spun around on the small stall, so his legs were wrapped around my torso, and his face was close to mine. "You know," he said, putting his hands on my shoulders. "I think I underestimated your voice, that was pretty great."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well thanks."

"Of course." Dan leaned forwards and pressed his lips to mine. "You're cold," he mumbled. "You should lie down for a while."

"I do feel a bit sleepy."

"Come on." Dan stood up from the piano stool and led me to our bed. "Get comfy. Do you want something?"

I wrapped the covers tightly around me. "No, I'm okay, thanks."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," I mumbled as my eyes closed slowly.

* * *

** Dan's POV **

I sat down at the end of the bed, watching Phil, a sad smile on my face. His song rang true, we best not waste what small time we have left. I got up, kissed his forehead, then left him to sleep.

* * *

** Phil's POV **

I paced around our bedroom, the box in hand. It was the ring Dan had proposed to me with a while back. Was it cheap to use the same ring? I flipped the box open and closed multiple times.

"Phil, are you okay in there?" Dan called from the living room.

"I'm fine," I replied, shoving the box into my pocket. "Can you set the table?" I asked, walking into the front room. "Dinner's almost ready."

Dan sniffed the air. "It smells good."

"It better, it's completely wiped me out today."

"I keep telling you not to push yourself."

"And I won't. Now, set the table."

"Going."

* * *

I watched Dan with a smile as we cleared the plates from dinner away. He hummed as we went, a tune from Spirited Away, I believe. "Hey, Dan?"

"Uh huh?"

"Can you come and sit down for a minute, I need to talk to you."

"Yeah, give me a sec."

Dan finished putting the last of the cutlery away, then came and sat down.

"I need to ask you something."

"Ask me anything."

I stood from my seat, pulled out the black leather box and knelt down in front of Dan. "I know when you asked me, I said no, but I was being selfish. And I knew that. I knew I was being selfish, but I couldn't help myself. I guess it was instinct you know? I was putting what I thought you wanted first. I love you, Dan." I opened the box containing the ring. "Will you marry me?"

"Is that even a question? Of course I'll marry you, you spoon." I stood up and Dan automatically pulled me into his grasp. "I love you so much."

I slipped the ring onto his finger. "I wanted to get you a new ring, but you barely let me leave the house without a chaperone these days," I said, putting the now empty box onto the breakfast bar.

"I don't care, it doesn't matter. I just want to marry you."

"And I you."


	10. "Go on our first date since 2012."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really, really sorry about the long waits for sub-par chapters, I'm not particularly enjoying writing this fic anymore, so I kind of have no inspiration for it. I just want you, whoever is reading this, to know that I'm not discontinuing it, it will just be updated very slowly.

**Phil's POV**

"Are you ready yet?" Dan called from the other side of the bathroom door.

"Almost," I replied, brushing more powder across my cheeks, trying to give them the colour they now lacked. "Just a few last things." I covered my lips in lip balm in an attempt to conceal how chapped they had become over the last few weeks. I groaned at my appearance. I'd never been one to worry about how I looked, but now with my face being paler than usual, my lips chapped and my eyes sunken, it was becoming steadily harder to not care. I was hideous. I brought my fist down on the counter, ignoring the sharp pain that shot through my arm.

"Phil? Are you okay in there? Can I come in?"

"No!" I shouted, wiping away the escaped tears. "Just wait a second."

"You didn't answer my question, are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"I'm fucking fine! Just leave me alone for a minute!" I snapped, my breath hitching in my throat as loud sobs ripped through my body.

"That's it, I'm coming in." I jumped as the door banged against the way. "Oh, Phil, what's wrong?" He pulled me into his arms, I gripped his shirt in the tightest grip I could muster whilst I sobbed into his shoulder. Dan rubbed my back in a comforting way.

"I hate you," I mumble, wiping my eyes on his shirt.

"No you don't." He squeezed me slightly before pushing me away and holding me at arms length. "Now, what's wrong?"

"Other than the obvious?" I laughed dryly.

"Yeah, other than the obvious."

"I'm fine, Dan. I mean it."

"You're not fine. What have I told you about pretending everything's okay? If you're crying, something is clearly wrong."

"I've got cancer, Dan. Something is wrong every second of the day."

"You know that's not the point." He sighed, rubbing a hand up and down my arm. "Please talk to me? I need to know if something is seriously wrong."

I pulled my arms away from him and turned back to the mirror. "This is what's wrong," I said, motioning towards my reflection. Dan appeared behind me in the mirror, resting his head on my shoulder and his hands either side of me on the sink.

"I don't see anything wrong? Is there a crack in the mirror I'm missing?"

"Me. I'm the problem. Look at me."

"Philly, I see you all the time. Like, every single day. I still don't see a problem."

"I'm hideous, Dan!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in frustration.

"No you're not. You're gorgeous. Breathtaking."

"Don't lie to me."

"I would never lie to you about something like that. Sure, you look different, but that doesn't make you ugly. You could be bald, with huge eyebrows and no nose and I'd still find you breathtaking. There's nothing wrong with your appearance, you're perfect, Phil. I can promise you that."

"B-but-"

"No buts. You're gorgeous. No arguments needed."

I looked at Dan's reflection, he was smiling sadly, his eyes glistening slightly. I turned around to face him, pulling him in for a kiss. "Thanks, Dan," I whispered against his lips. "I needed that."

"Anytime." He grinned. "Now, wash your face and let's get going. We have a long journey ahead of us."

"Okay, be there in a minute." Dan left the bathroom, leaving me alone once again. I turned back to the mirror, stared at my reflection and repeated Dan's words in my head. _Breathtaking_. _Gorgeous_. _Perfect_. I smiled at my reflection. "Dan wouldn't lie to me," I reassured myself. "Not about this."

* * *

"You ready?" Dan asked, smiling happily at me.

"Yeah, I'm all set." I slid my blazer over my shoulders. "Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise. You'll love it."

"Why are you holding two suitcases?"

"Because, after dinner we're going on a short trip."

"To where?"

"It's a surprise."

"I'm all excited now, it better be good."

"You know it will be."

"That's true. Should we get going?" I held my arm out towards Dan, who hooked his own arm through it.

"We shall."

* * *

Dan and I sat together in a posh restaurant, our hands connected over the table in a loose grip. My eyes scanned over the menu, until I decided on a simple meal of spaghetti and meatballs.

"So, any clues as to where we're going from here?" I questioned as we waited for our food.

"We have to catch a train," Dan said, grinning.

"Very helpful."

"I do try."

"But seriously, just a small clue?"

"You'll love it."

"You're just brilliant at these clues."

"Oh I know."

We sat in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying each other's company and the small bustle of the surrounding tables. Dan's thumb traced patterns over my own, making me giggle slightly.

"This is nice," Dan spoke up.

"What is?"

"Being about to hold your hand in a public setting for the first time in so long."

"We've held hands in public before tonight, Dan."

"I know, but this is a real date, so this makes it one hundred times better."

"That's true."

"I'm just really happy to be able to be here with you."

"I am too, Dan." I smiled sadly. "You have no idea how happy I am that you're here with me, even after everything."

Dan returns the sad smile. "You know I'll be here till the very bitter end."

"I know, and I'll be eternally grateful for that."

"I love you."

"I  love you more."

* * *

Dan and I walked out of the restaurant, our hands entwined. We rolled our suitcases behind us as we made our long way to the train station.

* * *

~~_1\. Tell the fans of our relationship (only if you're totally comfortable with it.)_ ~~

~~_2\. Go on our first proper date since early 2012._ ~~

_3\. Go to a Karaoke bar (Insane, I know.)_

_4\. Go bungee jumping._

_5\. Adopt a lion, and an alpaca (not to keep here, obviously)_

_6\. Recreate the day we met (or as well as we can)_

_7\. Watch the sunset, and sunrise at the beach._

~~_8\. Go dancing._ ~~

~~_9\. Go to a masquerade ball (Lame, I know)_ ~~

~~_10\. Bake a rainbow cake for my channel (sounds stupid, I know)_ ~~

_11\. Get married (again, only if it's something you actually want)_

~~_12\. Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower (cringe)_ ~~

_13\. Make a video reacting to the Pinof's (come on, we have to do this)_

_14\. Make a new, and final, Philisnotonfire._

_15\. Throw one final party._

_16\. Say a real goodbye to our friends._

_17\. Say goodbye to our fans._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, not much happened in this chapter. It's more filler than anything. It's also really short, so, sorry about that.


	11. UPDATE AND QUESTION

Okay. I have a big question to ask anyone who still wants this finished.

 

Does anyone want to, or know anyone that would, complete this fic? 

 

I've tried very, very hard to complete this fic, but I'm just never satisfied. I can't finish this, no matter how much I want to, so if anyone wants to complete it, let me know. You'd have full reign over what happens (except, I'd like the bucket list to stay the same).

 

If no one wants to finish it, it will just be abandoned. I don't want to keep sitting for hours trying to write a fic I just can't get into. I'm very sorry to anyone who was enjoying this fic, I really don't like to quit (I know how annoying unfinished fanfictions can be), I'm just not enjoying this, and have absolutely no motivation for it.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm basing all information on the cancer Phil has from Google Search, so there's a large chance it's inaccurate and for that I'm sorry!


End file.
